My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
You Might Also Like
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
no one likes gloating
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
any last words?
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police