Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
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I have questions??
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i鈥檝e never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
If you鈥檙e looking for an experimental couple, we鈥檙e trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I鈥檒l head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
WIFE: I鈥檓 pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I鈥檓 kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Don鈥檛 ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I鈥檓 not sorry about your table.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
ME: What鈥檚 the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That鈥檚 right, Dracula, it鈥檚 biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 馃憞馃従
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I鈥檓 good now.