finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
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I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I have never related to a cat more
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
welp
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”