Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
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Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Hmmmmm
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Its a hippotatomus
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.