[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
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“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
The answer is funnier than the question
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip