How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
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I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”