[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
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[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem: