GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
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I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.