Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
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I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.