[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
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Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what