Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
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Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks