you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
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“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
They got Raph!
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Me, reading some of your tweets
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Every. Damn. Time.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”