I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
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I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Duolingo getting serious.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.