[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
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Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger