I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
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Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
*seductively eats two tums*
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Salad is the decaf of food.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach