[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
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As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I’m good, thanks.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak