I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
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A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Yes, this is exactly right