My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
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me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
british sex workers really pound for pound
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.