cushion on the right slightly discoloured
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I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname