The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
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You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.