Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
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As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.