I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
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Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.