Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
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[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I love the honesty
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*