*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
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*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.