You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
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[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF