hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
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I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …