I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
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“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
The pasta is now
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend