7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
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Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Beware of fowl play.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly