I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
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KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake