thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
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instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
first you must answer his riddles
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.