My nickname in high school was “who?”
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Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Who knew!
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try