I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
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Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.