I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
You Might Also Like
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right