reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
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[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?