Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
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america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
how high up are we talkin’?
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still