Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
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Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.