Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
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Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me