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There is no try. There is only give up.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.