Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
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Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones