A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
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Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car