Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
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“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
At least try to make it slightly believable
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.