Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
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<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
my fav colour is also hitler
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*