If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
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Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?