If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
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The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Ha.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.