I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
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If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
That’s no pocket rocket.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.