I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
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Just me and my debit card against the world
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it