If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
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And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??