I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
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If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.