[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
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Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I think I’m having a stroke
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19