The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
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Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light